Off and running again

It has been 2 months to the day since I took a break from writing.  It had become too painful.  I never know where this road will take me.  Often I feel like I'm riding on the back seat of a bicycle built for two, being taken on a ride by someone (or something) in the front seat. Sometimes I believe God is pedaling.  Other times I feel like the mechanism in my mind is steering, and we are going down hill totally out of control.  When I pedal, things usually don't go well either.  Best case scenario is when our Lord and Savior is navigating the journey and I am along for the ride.

Issues surrounding clergy sexual abuse are not bothering me to an emotionally crippling point as they were two months ago.  The are still very distressing, but I no longer obsess about them and bring destructiveness to myself and those around me.

I have a new set of challenges.  I now have to face a diagnosis of bi-polar disorder.  Even though it is a mild form of the disorder, it brings with it a lifelong sentence of medicating and dealing with the stigma of a severe mental illness.  As with clergy sexual abuse, if it is not completely understood, there is judgmentalism that can come with it.  Clearly there has been a stigma associated with bi-polar disorders in the past.  Though the mental health profession has learned so much more about it and thus alleviated that with supporting facts, I don't think much of the world has caught up with their understanding.

Up and down.  Down and up.  That's what it is all about.  Before being down about the diagnosis, I was up.  I actually found myself being hopeful after the new psychiatrist suggested that this was likely my problem.  Based on self-knowledge, it made total sense.  When she said that anti-depressants often do not effectively treat it, as has been the case with me, I gained a new sense of hope knowing that we would soon be trying something that had not yet been attempted with me - adding a mood stabilizer.

What a blessing this would be if it works.  There are so many medical issues that need to be worked out, and psychological ones as well.  "Me?  Bi-polar?"  It's ok if others are, but not me.  Now that I face it, it is scary.

I wondered if somehow it stemmed from the abuse, but I can look back to high school days and note the ups and downs began then.  Perhaps this is a good that is coming from the evil of abuse: I have gone to therapy as a result, tried anti-depressants which were ineffective, and was sent to a psychiatrist to try to find other pharmaceutical relief.  She is the one who is getting to the bottom of a lifelong struggle.

I would never have wished for the clergy sexual abuse, but working through may be leading to another kind of healing that is needed.  I just didn't know something else was there, or that healing was needed.  I just knew that I hurt, and had dealt with depression off and on all my life.

A priest once used the bicycle built for two analogy with me, but it was more in regards to humility and allowing Jesus to take control of my life.  It is my most fervent prayer that He does.

So long. I'll be back later.

We all have to know our limitations in life, whether it is in the area of food, alcohol usage, TV viewing or intake of information about abuse.  Too much is detrimental to our health in some way.  Sometimes the only way to discover that threshold is to get there, which means you've run into trouble.

I did that.  I sought out information on clergy sexual abuse so much that I overdosed.  In a previous post, I discussed trauma triggers, and that is what I was dealing with again. This time instead of turning my back on articles, I began to dig further - compulsively.  Yes, I think it is fair to say that was an overdose!  There is a particular case I have a great interest in so I checked daily to see if there were updates.  In the process, I saw updates on many other cases around the world.  It is depressing!  Literally.

That is one reason I haven't posted for a while.  Self-care.  I was so excited about getting this blog going, but quite honestly, I don't know if I should continue at this time.  My hope was to share stories and research information to share as well, but clearly I can't do that right now. You certainly don't want to come on here and listen to me whine and complain.

I think I need to take a break from it already.  There was only one way to find out if I could handle it, wasn't there? 

I deactivated my Facebook account and Twitter account for the time being.  It's just time to walk away because the wound is not healed enough.

May God be with you and I on our journeys.  Til we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hands.

Lent and Suffering

Many religions observe the liturgical season of Lent, but we Catholics seem to be talked about the most.  Our tradition of having ashes applied to our foreheads on Ash Wednesday, the first day of Lent, is our reminder that we began as dust and to dust we shall return.  We are told to go forth and preach the gospel and into Lent we go. 
"What did you give up?" can be heard throughout parishes around the world.  The idea is that we do some form of penance to acknowledge our sorrow for sin for which we have been freely forgiven.  An additional approach is to do something special, something proactive, that will help us grow.  I like to try to do both. 

This period of special observance of the suffering of Jesus is a time we can focus on how our suffering can be used for His glory.  That always was hard for me to grasp, especially during times of personal suffering.  All the scriptures about "carrying our cross" to follow him seemed to fall on deaf ears when the pain inside was ripping me apart, especially when the "cross" was put upon my shoulder by a member of the clergy who represented Jesus.  I didn't want to hear about carrying a cross, much less that it was a blessing or something I had to do to follow him.  Oh sure, I knew this was true and didn't dispute it, but it felt awful during those times when just getting out of bed was a chore.

I told God many times that I could not bear that suffering alone,  I needed his grace and strength, and I offered myself to him to do with me as he needed in order to accomplish his will.  I offered him my pain, my grief, my sorrow and asked him to fill me with his love, his strength, his compassion.  I literally threw myself on his mercy because I realized how utterly helpless I was.

At the same time, I was doing what I could on the human level: seeing a therapist, taking antidepressants, talking to friends and a spiritual director, and allowing my husband in.

Well, God is infinitely merciful.  An Ash Wednesday miracle took place in my soul.  I went to Mass to receive ashes and begin Lent. I had been suffering a terrible depression earlier in the week but was feeling a bit better.  As Mass progressed, I sensed a surge of love for God in my soul, so much that I felt like I was going to explode.  I didn't know how to contain it, so I loved him back.  We had such a strong communion as one, and sitting in his presence, as one with him, was the ultimate gift.  There were no words for those moments, only love.  There was no sadness, only joy.  No pain, but peace.  It was pure grace that God poured out upon me, something that he made happen and for which I was totally unworthy. 

That has stayed with me, and when times of sadness come along, I am now able to thank him for them, to thank him for the honor for suffering with him.  It is a genuine gratitude because it is a genuine honor to be asked to carry a cross alongside him as he carries his.

This is my message:  implore the Lord to work in your heart.  Offer yourself to him.  Empty yourself of and ask him to fill you, and for that which you are unable to do, ask him to make it happen.  I did this for years before there was any drastic change. 

Have a good Lent.  May the Lord help you carry your cross with his.

Web sites and books and blogs, oh my!

Support in recovery is so important. Education is as well. It was through reading articles, books and stories of other survivors that I realized that I wasn't alone in what I felt. I was amazed at how universal the effect of abuse is on people. It doesn't seem to even make a difference what the actual abuse was or how old one was when it happened. I was 18 years old when my abuse began and it affected me deeply. One doesn't have to be a minor for it to be devastating.

There is so much support and information available to people who are trying to recover from abuse by members of the clergy. I am beginning to gather names and addresses of web sites, blogs, books and articles. They will be posted on this blog.

If you find any of these ministries helpful, please consider supporting them financially. Most of them are non-profit organizations and exist only to help us. Most of these sites have a vast wealth of information and resources on them.

It is critical that we maintain hope.  I want to share that with you.  I'm sure you would rather hear more inspiration than my tales of woe!  Hopefully I can find a balance between the two so that we can all learn and grow.

The web sites that I am posting I find helpful and hope that you will, too.  Many of them are faith-based and specifically Catholic.  I will throw in some other kinds in the future, so keep checking the list for updates. 

If you would like to see something specific, or would like me to consider putting your blog up, please let me know.  I'm finding that there are networks out there.  I would like to pull in those who fit into a circle of female survivors of sexual abuse by priests.  A neighboring circle would include other types of abuse, other faith traditions and men.  To offer resources for the faith aspect of healing, the Catholic web sites are listed as well as other blogs.

Posting of these resources does not imply endorsement or approval of the contents therein.