Thursday, February 14, 2013

Courage. Or not.

I do not write regularly because I cannot bring myself to subject myself to pain in times of peace.  That is where I have been lately - in peace.  The depression has finally lifted and I can smile again.  It is so nice to laugh, to have a light heart, to be able to give of self rather than take.

However, when I think about the abuse, I am still hurt by it.  So the natural thing, I think, is to avoid it.  Why touch a hot iron when I know it will hurt?  Somehow I think continuing to explore it will help me move towards forgiveness and the ability to totally leave it behind, if there is such a thing.

Since my abuser has passed away, I have not been able to confront him.  The cemetery in which he is buried is some 4 hours away.  I will be somewhat close to that town next weekend so am seriously considering visiting his grave.  I'm not sure why or what I hope to accomplish.  I feel drawn to do so and have been for over 3 years.  I am probably going to do it.

Forgiveness and giving up resentments is hard.  It is only by the grace of God that one can do so.  I am having to ask for extra grace these days as I endeavor to do these things.
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